Make It Start Again
One of the things I used to do on my old blog (circa 2005) was playing a song on loop for one hour and typing whatever that comes to mind. I kinda miss doing that so let me try that again here. That being said, as an act of courtesy to those who follow my page, unless you’re into random thoughts, by all means skip this. Haha.
Speaking of the old blog, I’ve been doing some thinking lately, well a lot really, and I’m inclined to say that all the nonsense things I’ve been posting before were integral to my filmmaking (then). I mean, when I think about it, almost every night I’d just sit down and try to get myself to write anything - all those ideas, as far-fetched as they were, even the rants contributed to my sensibilities as a budding filmboy. It’s really quite helpful knowing that I have something to turn back to, as crude or as pathetic as those words were, whenever I feel like my mind has disintegrated into a lifeless pulp. All I have now are conversations on YM and some text messages - and some of them, I’d rather not revisit - at all (I know, why do I even have them still in the first place?) and the entirety is not even that plenty. So I should probably get myself back to writing, yeah?
I actually don’t know how many times I’ve already said this to myself and a whole bunch of other people - and still there hasn’t been any progress, most especially for the past months. I guess it’s mostly because I’m still pretty much distracted in life. Though lately, I’m more at peace. I kinda feel that I’ve plateau-d somehow - work’s fine, family’s normal, dream’s still a dream, love’s still up in the air, I mean don’t really have anything major going on right now. I’m not sad, but I’m not happy either. If my life was a teeny bopper series (yeah it really has to be that. Haha), I’m still reeling from a devastating season finale - we’ve just graduated college and we’re moving to the part where it gets boring and we’re on the verge of getting cancelled; that or a mid-season hiatus… Okay I don’t really know what I’m saying now, I’m just really blabbing away. Haha.
Because there’s no point to all this, I’ll just jump right off to the next thought. It’s September and people are all giddy about Christmas already. I’m not, because that means my birthday’s coming up soon. I don’t know if I can live up to this but right now, I’ve no intentions of celebrating my birthday, for the first time. Don’t ask me why, I just can’t think of a different good reason why I should. Though my lifelong frustration of being surprised on my birthday remains; I still don’t believe it’ll happen - it almost did last year though, but well, that’s as good as it gets, I guess. Also, another reason why I’m kinda iffy about September is because of that motherfucker Ondoy - can’t believe it’s been a year.
Though on the flipside, and this comes as a surprise to me as well, I’m really excited for the new channel we’re launching on the 19th. Don’t really know why either, maybe I’m just so into new things lately. And since I’ve started on this topic already, I really wish I was ridiculously rich to the point that I can move to another country and start a new life. Not that I hate my life right now, just that I don’t really like the idea of my relationships continuously falling apart. I’m thinking that if I go far away, the most genuine relationships I have will still remain true and the ones that aren’t will just end. I guess all I’m trying to say with this is that I’m just really sick of fighting for all these different kinds of relationships to stay alive; it gets really tiring most especially when it’s one-sided or the other person’s not really into it as I am. I’m at this point of my life where I want everything to be clear; I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again - I’m tired of all the games. I want to say that I’m very secure with the relationships I have now, at least with my closest friends, but no, that’s not true. There’s not a single day that I don’t fear about being left all alone, well except for one, maybe, hopefully?
Trust issues and drama aside, I’m actually starting to realize a brand new life plan. It’s more realistic this time. Nothing that involves illusions of grandeur - producing a film for some local filmfest, being a like this at whatever age. I’m over those things. Getting older really does help one get grounded. I’ll always stay true to the values I uphold - loyalty seems to be most evident, which is quite interesting. Bottomline is that I have the greatest confidence that regardless whatever happens to me in the coming days, weeks, months, years - I know I’ll always be a filmboy at heart. Just like what I told a friend earlier today, I don’t have to make a living out of film to be happy (though that’d always be awesome). If it’s meant to be then eventually it will be. This is the thing with personal filmmakers - they’re not really waiting for that big break, they just need a great inspiration.
Anyway my time is almost up, this entire thing probably doesn’t add up to anything solid still but what the hell. I must admit, it feels great doing this again after quite some time. I guess I should just open up another account for my senseless blabber, though technically this tumblr page is really a personal private space still; I actually don’t know why people I don’t know follow this - but if you do, you’re most welcome though! Hahaha. And this leads me to my latest frustration - meeting a stranger! (I feel like I’m a college freshman again. Hahaha.) Because well, if you’ve been keeping up, I’m in need of new friends. Though I must warn you now dear stranger, so you won’t regret it later - I’m the worst person you’ll ever meet. :D
And oh, the song I’ve been looping for an hour now is “Ashes in Winter Light” by Elysian Fields.
